Sometimes the question is data-based, about what transmission statistics are real. Sometimes the question is esoteric, about whether or not he truly knew this woman in the first place. Why on Earth would I knowingly choose to put myself in danger like that?
Is she worth it? Does your dick dating in denver reddit hard around belgium dating norms The facts on herpes are actually quite clear when you do research online: Although individual symptoms depend on your overall health and the strain you carry, for many folks herpes is an uncomfortable best free biker dating site outbreak and mild recurrences, if any.
How did my partners after my diagnosis make the decision of whether or not to sleep with me? Sure, they did some Googling. One talked to his doctor about how it might impact an existing condition he had.
But mostly they looked at me, and thought about the fun, challenging conversations we had, and remembered how gorgeous my thick hair is. In the past I have made room for the discomfort of strangers who do not want to date someone with an STI. I am afraid of being that ranting feminist with herpes who seems to think herpes is great. Hah hah, herpes is disgusting and hilarious.
What a slutty joke. Feminists these days, am I right? At the end of the day, STI stigma is a form of prejudice. To you it may seem reasonable, a matter of self-preservation. But to us, it is dehumanizing. But in asking me this question, an actual person with herpes, you are shaming and insulting me in the name of needing help deciding.
Yeah, you can read that again. If you are not willing to brave the risk of getting herpes, you are not worth my time. If my STI is a deal breaker for you, your ignorance and cowardice is a deal breaker for me.
One of the most romantic moments of my life was dating a girl with hsv 1 an old partner told me that I had so thoroughly de-stigmatized herpes for him that he saw contracting from me as an inevitability he chose, rather than a nightmare I should have panic attacks over and although I continued to have said panic attacks, I never did transmit to him.
A true partner, a true best friend, accepts all of you. They do not barter or keep score, or make a pros and cons list when it comes to asking you on a third date. This was a good, interesting and funny read. I really admire you…We need more voices more people to speak about Herpes honestly and openly. Do you have any more blogs?
Thank you a million kate hudson matthew mcconaughey dating over for being the voice we all have, but feel too stigmatized to use. The world needs more people like you. I just met a beautiful, amazing girl that makes me truly happy but she shared she contacted herpes as a kid, HSV Your blog reinforce my decision.
This post has really helped me form my decision when it came to dating someone with genital herpes. My head was spinning when I first told to say the least. My girlfriend opened up to me after a month of dating and copious unprotected sex that she had genital herpes, that she was on suppression medication and that she had not had an outbreak for 3 years.
I myself have cold sores and to be perfectly honest I definitely did not know as much as I do now about the disease. I thought it to be very very contagious even when dormant. So, she told me and I freaked out. No strings adult dating was torn because I do love her and I could see myself spending the rest of my life with her but, even the best laid plans go awry.
I would then have to try and find love with an STI which frankly scares a lot of people away. These scenarios are still a possibility but after reading your personal experiences about opening up to potential partners before you slept together has made me feel much better about taking the risk.
In the past I thought I would have ran away from someone who were to tell me this, but in reality it did not phase my attraction to her at all what so ever. Yes I did have questions and concerns but I feel we are closer now than ever and are able to talk about anything without criticism or judgment from each other.
I have never experience this type of relationship before and perhaps that is why so many have failed for me in the past. I care about her deeply and hope to continue to grow our relationship much further. Dawson, Well written think these and I applaud you for tackling this head on. As a person with HSV1 common cold sore i. Herpes I believe I most likely contracted it from my mother as a child.
I am obsessive about protecting my partners. I would not rule out a partner based on an STI. Your observation about distilling someone down to an infection was spot on.
Thank you for taking the time to write this piece it was insightful. I have cold sores to and I afraid talking about it with my partner and on dates. How and when do you tell them about it? I think that in addition to the social stigma, there is this very lizard-brain level fear response to the idea of infection, even outside of a sexual context. That tension and desire to hold my breath I get when I hear some kid coughing in the supermarket.
The visceral asian dating sites reddit people have about leprosy, which is also sort of a skin condition.
Even the whole genre of zombie movies. Something about contagious disease itself is inherently frightening. To clarify this a bit! I also have HSV So does my mom. She got it from kissing family members at a Christmas party.
There was nothing remotely sexual about it for me, and most of this was before I even knew what sex was. I just found the idea of catching something you have for life scary. I later had outbreaks, as an adult. I could have had it from years, from some asymptomatic shedding kiss. But it did upset me a lot at first, and I did feel dirty and tainted.
Not sexually, but rather more generally than that. I felt unfit for even platonic human contact. This was also many years ago and I was pretty ignorant about not only this particular virus and how common it is, but how our bodies in general are full of all kinds of viruses and bacteria and assorted passengers. The microbiome is truly huge and complex: Many, many microorganisms we encounter in our environment enter us and change us.
Some help us, some hurt us, many are entirely neutral. We all have microscopic mites living in our pores and on our eyelashes too. And while it upset me to know I had it for life, I also have the chicken pox virus which is another variant of herpes for life—I contracted it before the vaccine existed. Age and experience also taught me that everything changes. Things break, things go wrong. So many things in my life have turned out for the worse, or left lasting scars.
Some of the changes have even been positive, or at least things that eventually brought me somewhere worth going. I understand why a younger me was afraid of change, and why change for the worse was a terrifying concept, but I also see now that herpes or no herpes, change for the worse was inevitable. To change is to live. Most of what we experience we carry with us in some way. But my animal brain is freaking out about the possibility of infection, and sexual desire is a very fickle feeling.
No one wants to get sick, really, dating a girl with hsv 1. I also have eczema, which is a skin condition. The more stigma and shame there is, the more people will be afraid to get testing, and afraid to disclose. They can act on that fear, dating a girl with hsv 1, or they can research and see if their feelings change with more knowledge.
And yeah, asking you in particular about it is callous and insensitive. We all bring our full personhoods to our relationships, and that includes emotions like fear. Forcing themselves into situations just to avoid feeling like bad people is actually likely to make the fear worse and foster resentment. But they might also decline, go on their way, and catch it from a toddler who picks their sore and rubs their hands on everything.
Or from sharing a toothbrush with a platonic friend. Or from platonic kissing at a family gathering. So it is pretty silly to pass on a promising relationship. But people have the right to be silly. People have the right to be afraid for stupid reasons, or say no for any reason or no reason at all. Just as I hope others will be realistic about human biology, I try to be realistic about human psychology.
Sex I like a girl, but she has herpes. Is this a deal breaker for most men? I like a girl, but she has herpes. I don't know how our sex life would be since she has herpes. I like her 24f and we've been on a couple dates and hooked up, but I stopped when she told me she had herpes. Can anyone shine some light on this? I don't know why I'm being downvoted, I just want opinions.
I can't speak for most men, since I'm not them, but it certainly wouldn't be for me. I already carry HSV2. Its incredibly common, and at worst mildly uncomfortable for a few days at a time even without antivirals. With them, outbreaks are really rare.
OP, highly recommend you educate yourself on herpes prevalence and typical effects on those who have it. Measuring that to an exact percentage is difficult to do, but just to get an idea Wikipedia is a good place to start:. About 1 in 6 Americans Although many people infected with HSV develop labial or genital lesions, the majority are either undiagnosed or display no physical symptoms.
On top of that, you're more likely to encounter someone who has it and doesn't know. Your risk of getting herpes is lower by dating someone who knows they have it and have informed you. On top of that even if you do get it you most likely won't display symptoms. Even if you do display symptoms, herpes is highly manageable and is very unlikely to significantly affect your ability to have a happy, healthy life.
This is actually a pretty interesting topic because, from a statistical angle, sleeping with a woman who is aware of her herpes status and is actively mitigating it bodes better for your likelihood of contracting the virus than sleeping with randoms who live a very casual-sex-laden lifestyle. Something to consider but ultimately the decision has to be yours and yours alone.
You have to respect that she at least put it out there before anything happened. Assuming OP saying hooking up means just kissing. I've heard of a few stories where the girl just neglects mentioning it because there is always that chance the guy will instantly leave. I was in a very similar situation to OP and I basically screwed this girl around until she didn't want to talk to me anymore. I fell into this trap of looking up statistics and thinking how likely I was to catch it.
I'd even go as far as planning how I was going to touch her as to avoid as much contact and in the end I just started avoiding her and the topic of sex altogether. It may be true that you are at better odds of not catching it with her compared to random women. In my opinion though this statistic is worthless when you think about how the relationship will go and how long it could go for.
There will always be a chance you will catch it and lets face it, if you've been together for 10 years then you probably will. You aren't going to use condoms forever are you? My advice is to look at the statistics. But don't let them consume you. Sometimes we feel the need to take risks and if you think that she is worth it then maybe you will take that risk.
If not then i'm sure she will understand. Keep your chin up because there are other women out there. If she's on medication and they don't use a condom, he should still be fine.
The medication is mitigating the risk, the condom is mostly just preventing pregnancy at that point. I don't CARE what you do. She has to own up to her situation. I would first talk to a professional on STDs. There are a lot ways to avoid catching herpes from women.
She is, but if OP wants to sleep with her and wants to mitigate HIS risk, then offering to pay for a herpes suppression medication is in HIS best interest.
It's not about money. If it's a situation where they are in a long term relationship, it makes sense to pay or even split herpes medication. The way OP wrote the post, she's a new girl in his life. She has responsibility to her self to take care of herself. You can't begin a relationship where she takes on zero or even half the responsibility for her mistakes.
That's why you can't pay. If she has a desire to be sexually active, then she needs to do this. The thing to do is to talk to a professional. Ideally talk to the professional with her. Or don't sleep with her and find someone else. If she is not on medication already, I don't see the harm in asking to pay half. That stuff is expensive. To mitigate personal risk.
If OP wants to get his dick wet and she's not medicated his risk is substantially higher. Think of him offering to support medication for her as him wearing a second condom. First of all if she's not having a breakout, and he wears condom, no broken skin, and washes the area where he touched her genitals or infected area immediately after intercourse, there's pretty low chance of getting infected.
Medication suppresses breakouts, or reduces virus sloughing. All Medication isn't the same for herpes. But doesn't completely eliminate risk. The thing is by going to a professional together, the two of them can develop plan of action. He can also weed her out if she's worth taking the risk in the first place. And he can have some real knowledge about the possibilities. Regardless, she must take responsibility for her disease, that's the most important part.
It's not his burden to shoulder, and she will respect for that. Statistically, the chances of screwing around one night and not being vigilant over a LONG time period are high Is she worth it? Would you get herpes and be ok with that? Becuase in the long-run, the chance is there, and its not small.
Not every successful relationship ends in marriage, some couples choose to stay unmarried. My best friend is in an extraordinarily similar situation. His gf is 24 and has herpes. She was up front about it, telling him before they had sex for the first time.
What I told him was this: Do not hook up around her flare ups or whatever they're called and research the disease. If you doubt your feelings for this girl but still want to give it a shot then take it slow, and keep in mind it's ultimately your risk and your decision.
He's months into the relationship and still clean. They're actually moving in together here in a minute. A big reason on why herpes is so common now is that people don't know that the have it at all and unknowingly pass it to their partner. And condoms are not very effective since herpes can be on the butt, thighs, and sex organs. So say you are a male and your female partner has a healing outbreak or is "shedding" which you never know if you are shedding and say your balls are tapping her ass, that skin to skin contact can make you then infected.
I have no way of knowing whom it came from since it could lay dormant for quite sometime and still be passed. I hope this helps you and your friend understand it a little bit more.
I have done so much research since docs kinda suck. Thank you for the information. I'll certainly pass this along. I was personally unaware that shedding was a part of the disease. I believe my friend is aware of it but I'll be making sure of that soon. Since we found out after we had already done the dirty unprotected, I wanted to find any information out there. I havebeen finding a lot of conflicting info in regards to passing it along to another partner.
But I feel more comfortable, seeing as you never know when you are "shedding", to always assume that you will pass it. And from what research I have read, even a blood test will not give a posiive until about 3mo after the initial breakout. I am no doctor, so please do not quote me. I just wanted to know anything and everything. A very close friend of mine who also has herpes had a great way of putting it when I was super down in the dumps and feeling disgusting.
She said, "So what?! Every now and again I get a blister or two.
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